The First Year after a Death

By: Elizabeth Grace - Updated: 22 Oct 2012 | *Discuss

 

When someone dies, it signifies the beginning of a new chapter for loved ones, who must not only deal with their feelings of loss, but must find ways to rebuild their lives. The first year after a significant death can be especially hard, as grief is usually the most acute in the beginning. Additionally, that first year holds many reminders that life is dramatically different than it was the year before and that things will never return to the way they once were.

Settling In to New Routines

The first few days after a death are often a blur of activity, with close friends and family members of the deceased surrounded by caring well-wishers. After a short time, however, the crowds diminish, returning to their own lives, leaving the bereaved to begin the difficult process of healing. One of the hardest adjustments for many people is the simple, everyday differences in their routine, once shared with a person now forever gone. Frequently, people take responsibility for specific tasks and when they are gone, others must incorporate these duties into their chore lists, which may feel overwhelming, especially at first. Simple pleasures also change; those who had been accustomed to sharing leisurely weekend breakfasts or had a regular date for the cinema may be at a loss to find activities to fill those times. Friends can try to help the bereaved by making themselves available and encouraging their grieving friend to take small steps toward rebuilding their lives as they are ready.

Honouring Special Days

The initial year after a death encompasses many “firsts,” which are sure to be difficult for mourners. Birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays will serve as reminders of the lost loved one, and must be approached in new ways. It can help to acknowledge the missed loved one on these days, either by talking about them or participating in an activity that is especially meaningful. For example, while decorating for the holidays, loved ones can reminisce about holidays past and relay touching or funny stories that include the deceased loved one. Pretending that everything is alright isn’t healing, but talking about shared memories can be.

Helping Yourself to Heal

While well-meaning friends and relatives often prod the bereaved to “get on with their lives,” grieving takes time. For some, healing happens in a few months, while others can take years to feel a sense of peace. There are things that the grieving can do that will help the process along, but each person must grieve in their own way, taking the time that they need. Some important self-help strategies include:

Relax your regular standards. It may be hard to stay on top of things as you normally would, but that’s okay.

Eat well. Grief can diminish appetite, but healthy foods are important. If you find it hard to eat, try taking small, frequent meals.

Get some exercise. Depression and anxiety are common during the first year after an important death, but regular exercise can help to lift mood and alleviate mild to moderate anxiety. A daily brisk walk outdoors can help enormously.

Don’t rely on alcohol or sleep medications. Both may help minimise symptoms in the short term, but can lead to a host of other problems.

Find someone to talk to. Sometimes friends and loved ones are initially willing to listen as the bereaved share their feelings, but may tire of doing so after a while. Those who feel the need should not hesitate to work with a bereavement counsellor to help sort out their difficult emotions.

Take your time. In today’s busy world, people have a tendency to push aside their feelings in order to get things done, but the grieving process takes time. The bereaved should allow themselves the time that they need to work through their grief.

Enjoy your memories. Recalling happy times, looking through photographs, and hanging on to mementos can help keep memories alive. Some people find it comforting to keep a few items that belonged to a lost loved one, such as items of clothing or favourite books.

Grieving is a natural reaction to loss, and while working through grief can be a painful experience, it is necessary in order to move on. The first year after a death is typically especially hard for the bereaved, who must endure familiar scenarios in a new and uncomfortable way. With time and the support of caring loved ones, though, the sadness and depression will diminish, making room for healing and the return of happiness.

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